Finally A Step Forward

The New Year has already begun some real changes in my life. Sometimes you can really feel God’s presence and guidance and this is one of those times for me. Occasionally I search the Intranet for welcoming churches and one really caught my attention around nine months ago and I finally went to this church on Sunday (What a great way to start the New Year). What finally encouraged me to go was an acquaintance (although she is an acquaintance I have always felt very comfortable with her.). She told me her and her girlfriend were looking for a church. I listened and finally told her I knew of a church she might want to try (Knowing this would reveal a little too much about me, but I just felt she might like this church.). Her previous church had thrown her out because she was a lesbian. We went outside and talked for quite a long time and I finally told her the truth and this was such a liberating feeling. What a great feeling it was to let someone know who I truly am and this made me so happy. Church was a great experience and I found out this is where a lot of people from my particular theological background have been going (I felt out home for the first time in a long time and there is so much more I could say.). And the spiritual hunger in these people was incredible and how absurd it is the Church turns them out. I think God must be very upset with this ostracism (And it isn’t the first time the Church has been so incorrect on a subject for those of you who think you are so correct. I dare you to study the subject fromw writers who oppose your views). And some day God will get real upset and another Martin Luther will step up, but maybe this is already happening. Despite this great weekend Monday morning I woke up with such fear and I felt like I was betraying everyone in my life. I almost started hyperventilating. It is amazing so much fear surrounds my religious beliefs isn’t Christ suppose to set the captives free? Most in particular I felt like I was betraying my spiritual mentor and how upset she will be once this all comes out. And this is causing me great grief what this will do to her.

Barack and Rick???

So I don’t know about President-Elect Obama inviting Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at the inauguration. To me it seems pretty inappropriate for the first black president to invite a speaker that another minority group finds so inappropriate (There are other evangelicals he could have invited). I think President-Elect Obama is trying to make some kind of statement by doing this -I think everything he does is well thought out and has a message-and I don’t think this statement is inclusiveness. And President-Elect Obama didn’t mind making this statement at the expense of the LGBT. The whole thing is like pouring salt over open wounds after the passage of Proposition 8. On a brighter side California Attorney General Jerry Brown (and former governor of our wants Golden State) has asked that the California Supreme Court invalidate Proposition 8. Jerry Brown is a politician that wants to see something different and is not afraid to stand up against the crowd he has shown this throughout his entire long political career. Here is his official gubernatorial portrait and it says a lot about him:

On a persoanlly note after the Rick Warren thing it is hard for me to keep my mouth shut and people are starting to wonder what is going on in my head.

Don't Ask Don't Tell Or In My Case Never Take Of The Mask

My life because of what I believe to be my sexual orientation has become sort of a don’t ask don’t tell or you could say I live my life with a mask. And I am starting to see the absurdity of this all and the strain it puts on someone, so we will see how long I can keep this up. A lot of this is my own fault because I feel so uncomfortable with myself, but it is what I have to do to survive right now. I don’t think I will ever be able to stand up to my family and friends. Sometimes I grow so numb and I believe the whole thing isn’t real. The old me, who has no idea who I really was, comes back for a few moments or hours and says, “Just continue like you did in the past and everything will be fine”. I went to church with a friend of mine for the last two Sundays because I wanted to feel the familiar and I was giving into the voice in my head. I felt strangely like an outsider for the first time and felt like I had some deep hidden secret. This made me feel dishonest and the whole experience was actually pretty depressing. So next week it will be back to the church haven I have found in another denomination (That is totally different than the type of church I was raised in so that is one of the reasons some people find it kind of bizzare. This haven just had 700 churches break off and the publicity of these 700 churches is raising questions and concern from friends. And this is probably why I ran back to an “acceptable” church, because it helps with the whole mask thing.

The Ring of Fire

What an eventful time it has been since my last entry the passage of Proposition 8 (The feelings of alienation and for the first time in my life being a second class citizen are still there, but as my friend J said you just get use to it.). After this horrible realization I was looking forward to the weekend and my swimming class on Saturday morning. This Saturday the wind was strong and unpredictable even creating a current in the pool making swimming more laborious. This would be the day the wildfires would go out of control in Southern California. The class watched as the smoke gradually grew from a nearby city and we all thought the fire would just be put out (This is usually what happens). Driving home I began to realize it wasn’t a normal fire all the hills to the south of the road I drive home on were on fire with car loads of people pulled over to watch this surreal scene. Added to the dream likeness of this event I began to see news vans with satellite dishes. In the next few days friends, co-workers, and acquaintances would be evacuated and some would even lose their homes. The air would become so horrible it would hurt to breathe and the ash raining down was not just the small snow flake like stuff, but was heavy pieces of long black material. Roads and freeways would be shut down brining everything to a standstill. This is probably a little bit over dramatic, but I felt like I was getting a small glimpse of Armageddon. To further this dooms day type atmosphere my perfect niece (excellent student and soccer star) had some type of verbal altercation with another girl (stupid girl stuff) well this other girl has brought in her gang member cousins. So we now fear for my niece and she will most likely go to another school. An incident regarding this matter happened at school this week that resulted in some gang members being expelled and so the situation keeps on intensifying. So I and a lot of other people in California have been preoccupied and are minds have been taken off Proposition 8 which is probably not a good thing. Everything seems out of control lately.

Join The Impact - Look For Protest In Your Area November 15

I believe we have entered a time similiar to Dade County Floriday in 1977. I was a little girl back then, and remember the lady with the beautiful voice. This time I am an adult questioning many things about my own identity and it is getting very hard to do this in the aftermath of Proposition 8 that has created such a huge storm. What a hard and lonely time this whole thing has brought about in this once Golden State.


Look for a protest against Proposition 8 in your area:
http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/?t=anon

Melissa Etheridge Is Awasome

No taxation without representation read below the gay and lesbian reaction to Proposition 8:

http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/Merrill-Lauds-Melissa-Etheridge/story.aspx?guid=%7B411D3C86-B4DD-4647-AA37-63107ED8770B%7D

Two Days After Proposition 8

Well, the sting of Proposition 8 is subsiding. I think the question is now where do we go from here? The hatred of gays and lesbians in this country is unbelievable. No wonder Dick Gephardt feared for his daughter when she told him her orientation. No wonder Lynne Cheney cried because she knew what a hard life her daughter would have becuase of the way she was born.