Still Not Out

Driving home late last night I realized for the first time in my life I am actually happy about me and I don’t need anything else to make me feel better about myself. Not that I ever walked around all depressed with self hating I just always felt really awkward like something was not right. For the first time this awkwardness is gone and the constant need to achieve to prove myself worth is gone. It is not that I don’t want to achieve and learn anymore (if you knew me this has been my driving force all my life), but the dyslexic kid no longer needs to show how smart she is to everyone.

That being said it has been a long time since I have written in this blog. I had a lot going on in my life and just needed some time to digest everything. I am still not out of the closet yet and still leading two lives. I had my first girlfriend and lost her because I couldn’t come out. We are still really good friends though. I can’t march in the Gay Pride Parade on Sunday, because it will be on television. I was asked to drive the truck for our group, now wouldn’t that be funny little miss Christian me driving a huge truck in the gay pride parade. What a way to come out, but it will not happen this year.

It is like this my family are really conservative Christians who are totally anti-gay so I am scared and not ready to come out. When I do I have no idea what the reaction will be and how I will be treated. My personality has been to try to please everyone all my life so I have a lot of self-adjusting to do. Lets put it this way when I began attending a church with a woman pastor around ten years ago I was afraid to tell them that, now how backwards is that situation. But I can tell you this Jesus did not come to oppress us, but to set us free. That is a rule all biblical teaching should be measured against.

Neil Diamond Pretty Amazing Grace

God is awesome!!!

Changes

A lot of things have happened since I last blogged. I was really busy with work, school, and learning about this new side of me that I never knew existed. As mentioned previously I have started attending an inclusive church. This might not be a big deal for some people, but it was a major step for me. The moment I walked through those doors I was going against everything I had ever been taught. I am starting to make friends and get involved in church functions. So essentially I have to lives now: my straight life and Sundays when I get to be who I really am. This is not very healthy, I know, when I will be able to merge the two still seems very foreign to me and way in the future.

I also attended my first gay pride parade I never thought I would be at one of those; and then went to the festival afterwards. But I am still keeping these things secret from my friends and family. The parade was mellow compared to the average gay pride parade (the parade in Los Angeles can get pretty crazy), but still I don’t think these parades are representative of the average gay and lesbian.

Another eye opener was when I watched the movie Milk last weekend. What impacted me the most about this movie was this was the atmosphere I grew up in as a child (living in California); what I mean specifically is I realized I was surrounded by those who wanted to limit the rights (civil liberties) of gays and lesbians. I was brought up in churches and a family that were totally opposed to Milk (My family is very political.). It is interesting to see how my ideas were formed and realize those things engrained in me I need to overcome.

Another change is yesterday I lost my job (Due to the fact we were making no money.) so we will see what will happen with that situation. Losing the job is pretty scary, but it goes along with all the change in my life right now.

Sundays

Since the beginning of the year I have been attending a gay affirming church. I was totally frightened to go, but once I got there I absolutely loved being at this church. I really like this church, the people, and the pastor. I haven’t felt at home in a church in a long time and I really like what the church is trying to accomplish. And I felt totally relaxed with everyone which is kind of really different for me. I think throughout my life I have felt like an outsider in a way. Theologically the church is more what I believe so this is also really nice. I look forward to Sundays and Mondays are disappointing because Monday is the furthest day away from Sunday. On the down side I am still leading this double life (Actually I am finding out I have never really had much of a life just a bunch of accomplishments.). I don’t think that I will ever be able to acknowledge who I really am to family and friends. Mentally I have a lot of things to work through mostly regarding religion and my family (Which for me is about everything.). I am discovering many things about myself one of which is I have a lot to learn about relationships. I wish I could let people closer particularly at my new church.

Finally A Step Forward

The New Year has already begun some real changes in my life. Sometimes you can really feel God’s presence and guidance and this is one of those times for me. Occasionally I search the Intranet for welcoming churches and one really caught my attention around nine months ago and I finally went to this church on Sunday (What a great way to start the New Year). What finally encouraged me to go was an acquaintance (although she is an acquaintance I have always felt very comfortable with her.). She told me her and her girlfriend were looking for a church. I listened and finally told her I knew of a church she might want to try (Knowing this would reveal a little too much about me, but I just felt she might like this church.). Her previous church had thrown her out because she was a lesbian. We went outside and talked for quite a long time and I finally told her the truth and this was such a liberating feeling. What a great feeling it was to let someone know who I truly am and this made me so happy. Church was a great experience and I found out this is where a lot of people from my particular theological background have been going (I felt out home for the first time in a long time and there is so much more I could say.). And the spiritual hunger in these people was incredible and how absurd it is the Church turns them out. I think God must be very upset with this ostracism (And it isn’t the first time the Church has been so incorrect on a subject for those of you who think you are so correct. I dare you to study the subject fromw writers who oppose your views). And some day God will get real upset and another Martin Luther will step up, but maybe this is already happening. Despite this great weekend Monday morning I woke up with such fear and I felt like I was betraying everyone in my life. I almost started hyperventilating. It is amazing so much fear surrounds my religious beliefs isn’t Christ suppose to set the captives free? Most in particular I felt like I was betraying my spiritual mentor and how upset she will be once this all comes out. And this is causing me great grief what this will do to her.

Barack and Rick???

So I don’t know about President-Elect Obama inviting Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at the inauguration. To me it seems pretty inappropriate for the first black president to invite a speaker that another minority group finds so inappropriate (There are other evangelicals he could have invited). I think President-Elect Obama is trying to make some kind of statement by doing this -I think everything he does is well thought out and has a message-and I don’t think this statement is inclusiveness. And President-Elect Obama didn’t mind making this statement at the expense of the LGBT. The whole thing is like pouring salt over open wounds after the passage of Proposition 8. On a brighter side California Attorney General Jerry Brown (and former governor of our wants Golden State) has asked that the California Supreme Court invalidate Proposition 8. Jerry Brown is a politician that wants to see something different and is not afraid to stand up against the crowd he has shown this throughout his entire long political career. Here is his official gubernatorial portrait and it says a lot about him:

On a persoanlly note after the Rick Warren thing it is hard for me to keep my mouth shut and people are starting to wonder what is going on in my head.

Don't Ask Don't Tell Or In My Case Never Take Of The Mask

My life because of what I believe to be my sexual orientation has become sort of a don’t ask don’t tell or you could say I live my life with a mask. And I am starting to see the absurdity of this all and the strain it puts on someone, so we will see how long I can keep this up. A lot of this is my own fault because I feel so uncomfortable with myself, but it is what I have to do to survive right now. I don’t think I will ever be able to stand up to my family and friends. Sometimes I grow so numb and I believe the whole thing isn’t real. The old me, who has no idea who I really was, comes back for a few moments or hours and says, “Just continue like you did in the past and everything will be fine”. I went to church with a friend of mine for the last two Sundays because I wanted to feel the familiar and I was giving into the voice in my head. I felt strangely like an outsider for the first time and felt like I had some deep hidden secret. This made me feel dishonest and the whole experience was actually pretty depressing. So next week it will be back to the church haven I have found in another denomination (That is totally different than the type of church I was raised in so that is one of the reasons some people find it kind of bizzare. This haven just had 700 churches break off and the publicity of these 700 churches is raising questions and concern from friends. And this is probably why I ran back to an “acceptable” church, because it helps with the whole mask thing.