Driving home late last night I realized for the first time in my life I am actually happy about me and I don’t need anything else to make me feel better about myself. Not that I ever walked around all depressed with self hating I just always felt really awkward like something was not right. For the first time this awkwardness is gone and the constant need to achieve to prove myself worth is gone. It is not that I don’t want to achieve and learn anymore (if you knew me this has been my driving force all my life), but the dyslexic kid no longer needs to show how smart she is to everyone.
That being said it has been a long time since I have written in this blog. I had a lot going on in my life and just needed some time to digest everything. I am still not out of the closet yet and still leading two lives. I had my first girlfriend and lost her because I couldn’t come out. We are still really good friends though. I can’t march in the Gay Pride Parade on Sunday, because it will be on television. I was asked to drive the truck for our group, now wouldn’t that be funny little miss Christian me driving a huge truck in the gay pride parade. What a way to come out, but it will not happen this year.
It is like this my family are really conservative Christians who are totally anti-gay so I am scared and not ready to come out. When I do I have no idea what the reaction will be and how I will be treated. My personality has been to try to please everyone all my life so I have a lot of self-adjusting to do. Lets put it this way when I began attending a church with a woman pastor around ten years ago I was afraid to tell them that, now how backwards is that situation. But I can tell you this Jesus did not come to oppress us, but to set us free. That is a rule all biblical teaching should be measured against.