Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Driving home late last night I realized for the first time in my life I am actually happy about me and I don’t need anything else to make me feel better about myself. Not that I ever walked around all depressed with self hating I just always felt really awkward like something was not right. For the first time this awkwardness is gone and the constant need to achieve to prove myself worth is gone. It is not that I don’t want to achieve and learn anymore (if you knew me this has been my driving force all my life), but the dyslexic kid no longer needs to show how smart she is to everyone.
That being said it has been a long time since I have written in this blog. I had a lot going on in my life and just needed some time to digest everything. I am still not out of the closet yet and still leading two lives. I had my first girlfriend and lost her because I couldn’t come out. We are still really good friends though. I can’t march in the Gay Pride Parade on Sunday, because it will be on television. I was asked to drive the truck for our group, now wouldn’t that be funny little miss Christian me driving a huge truck in the gay pride parade. What a way to come out, but it will not happen this year.
It is like this my family are really conservative Christians who are totally anti-gay so I am scared and not ready to come out. When I do I have no idea what the reaction will be and how I will be treated. My personality has been to try to please everyone all my life so I have a lot of self-adjusting to do. Lets put it this way when I began attending a church with a woman pastor around ten years ago I was afraid to tell them that, now how backwards is that situation. But I can tell you this Jesus did not come to oppress us, but to set us free. That is a rule all biblical teaching should be measured against.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I also attended my first gay pride parade I never thought I would be at one of those; and then went to the festival afterwards. But I am still keeping these things secret from my friends and family. The parade was mellow compared to the average gay pride parade (the parade in Los Angeles can get pretty crazy), but still I don’t think these parades are representative of the average gay and lesbian.
Another eye opener was when I watched the movie Milk last weekend. What impacted me the most about this movie was this was the atmosphere I grew up in as a child (living in California); what I mean specifically is I realized I was surrounded by those who wanted to limit the rights (civil liberties) of gays and lesbians. I was brought up in churches and a family that were totally opposed to Milk (My family is very political.). It is interesting to see how my ideas were formed and realize those things engrained in me I need to overcome.
Another change is yesterday I lost my job (Due to the fact we were making no money.) so we will see what will happen with that situation. Losing the job is pretty scary, but it goes along with all the change in my life right now.