Monday, December 8, 2008

Don't Ask Don't Tell Or In My Case Never Take Of The Mask

My life because of what I believe to be my sexual orientation has become sort of a don’t ask don’t tell or you could say I live my life with a mask. And I am starting to see the absurdity of this all and the strain it puts on someone, so we will see how long I can keep this up. A lot of this is my own fault because I feel so uncomfortable with myself, but it is what I have to do to survive right now. I don’t think I will ever be able to stand up to my family and friends. Sometimes I grow so numb and I believe the whole thing isn’t real. The old me, who has no idea who I really was, comes back for a few moments or hours and says, “Just continue like you did in the past and everything will be fine”. I went to church with a friend of mine for the last two Sundays because I wanted to feel the familiar and I was giving into the voice in my head. I felt strangely like an outsider for the first time and felt like I had some deep hidden secret. This made me feel dishonest and the whole experience was actually pretty depressing. So next week it will be back to the church haven I have found in another denomination (That is totally different than the type of church I was raised in so that is one of the reasons some people find it kind of bizzare. This haven just had 700 churches break off and the publicity of these 700 churches is raising questions and concern from friends. And this is probably why I ran back to an “acceptable” church, because it helps with the whole mask thing.

1 comment:

Cecilia said...

Please don't worship in a place where you feel so unsafe and inauthentic. The place you found that your friends find "unacceptable" may be exactly the right place for you. There ARE places where GLBT people can be themselves... I promise!

Peace, friend!